


The Fall of the House of Primus

by Miratete



Category: The Transformers (Cartoon Generation One), Transformers - All Media Types, Transformers Generation One
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Comedy, Edgar Allan Poe References, F/M, Parody, Screenplay/Script Format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-27
Updated: 2019-07-27
Packaged: 2020-07-21 05:37:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19996744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Miratete/pseuds/Miratete
Summary: -o-o-o-o-o-o-Bumblebee is summoned by a dying Optimus Prime, who has one final command--destroy the Matrix so that none other must suffer the burden and angst of carrying it.  With a plot loosely based on Edgar Allen Poe's "The Fall of the House of Usher" and dialogue stuffed full of bad G1 and Transformers fandom jokes, this script-format story is one of my best comedy bits yet.-o-o-o-o-o-





	The Fall of the House of Primus

-o-o-o-o-o-

The Fall of the House of Primus - A comedy in nine pages and eleven voices.

-o-o-o-o-o-

Cast:

Narrator  
Ancient Prime #1 (male or female)  
Ancient Prime #2 (male)  
Ancient Prime #3 (female)  
Bumblebee  
Chromia  
Elita One  
Optimus Prime  
Ratchet  
Rodimus Prime  
Shockwave

-o-o-o-o-o-

Narrator: Winter had come to Iacon, a bleak, wearying winter bringing strong winds and acid rain down from the Cybertronian skies. And in the outskirts of the once great city, now stained by eons of war, a lone vehicle moved through the empty streets and out into the wastelands, where the urban canyons were replaced by the dead trunks of crystal trees, and the metal streets gave way to pools of stagnant water.

Bumblebee: I wonder why Optimus Prime summoned me. It's been ages since he took refuge in the House of the Primes, leaving us Autobots nearly leaderless.

Narrator: The tiny scout sped along, eventually coming to a house standing alone some distance from Iacon. While large and grandiose, it appeared to be crumbling and in need of much repair. Indeed, sections of it had already fallen into the swamp surrounding the manor. But in its state of decay, it still maintained an air of respectability and grandeur, for this was the House of the Primes.

Bumblebee: I'm finally here, the ancient home of our leaders. It sure is dark and dismal though.

Narrator: Our intrepid protagonist approached the door, and as it opened he was met by a familiar face.

Bumblebee: Ratchet! Good to see you, old friend.

Ratchet: (pleased) Bumblebee, It's good to see you too. I haven't seen you since that time we found you overcharged and offline in Wheeljack's laboratory.

Bumblebee: Yes... (coughs) About that... 

Ratchet: Look, Bumblebee, thank you for coming all the way out here. I'm afraid though that this may not be the happy reunion you had hoped for.

Bumblebee: Ratchet?

Ratchet: (sighing) Bumblebee, Optimus is dying.

Bumblebee: What? Again?

Ratchet: It's different this time. I think it might be for good.

Bumblebee: Oh surely something will bring him back when the writers decide to jump the shark again.

Ratchet: (sadly) I know you're the plucky and optimistic character in this, but I'm sure this time not even a well-timed pep-talk or a new toy release will do anything to help.

Bumblebee: Ratchet, where is he? Let me talk to Optimus.

Ratchet: (sighs) Fine.

Narrator: Ratchet led the visitor through the dark, musty halls of the House of the Primes, coming at last to the study, and there took him inside to where the great and famous Optimus Prime sat awaiting his guest.

Optimus: Bumblebee. My plucky and optimistic friend. I'm so glad you came. I haven't seen you since that time we found you overcharged and offline in Sparkplug's garage.

Bumblebee: Yes... (coughs) About that...

Optimus: Bumblebee, I'm dying.

Bumblebee: Yeah, Ratchet said something to that effect. Surely it can't be true, can it?

Optimus: I'm afraid so. This time it's the “Curse of Primus”

Bumblebee: The Curse of Primus? What's that?

Optimus: There are two things you must know about the Curse of Primus. Firstly, that it is a curse. And secondly, that it befalls all those of the House of Primus.

Bumblebee: (sarcastically) Imagine that...

Optimus: This curse... I am destined to die. The voices of all the previous Primes haunt me. I hear them speaking to me, even now.

Ancient Prime #1: Optimus... Greatest of the Primes! There is nothing you can do to stop the curse. 

Ancient Prime #2: I'm Obscurimus Prime. Remember me? Eh, I didn't think so.

Ancient Prime #3: Optimus Prime, your fate awaits... hey, is that Bumblebee there with you? Why, I haven't seen him since that time you found him overcharged and offline under Prowl's desk.

Rodimus Prime: Hey, Rodimus Prime here. Okay, technically I'm not dead and I'm certainly not ancient, (sarcastically) but I might as well be dead since you showed up again.

Narrator: At this point, Elita One and her dearest friend and confidant, Chromia, entered the study and greeted the new arrival.

Elita: Bumblebee! Welcome to the House of the Primes. Why, I haven't seen you since that time we found you overcharged and offline in Moonracer's closet.

Bumblebee: Yes... (coughs) About that...

Optimus: I've been telling him about the Curse of Primus. And Bumblebee, this tale grows ever more grim. The Curse of Primus has also stricken my sister, Elita One.

Bumblebee: Your sister? I thought Elita One was your girlfriend.

Elita: Well, originally I was his girlfriend when we were Orion Pax and Ariel. But then Alpha Trion kept saying we were siblings as he rebuilt us at the same time, and it didn't help that he kept saying that he was like our father. Look, just don't think about it too much. It's awkward enough already.

Bumblebee: I'll say.

Chromia: The ancient Primes haunt Elita just as they haunt Optimus.

Elita: My time draws near as well, and yes, the voices. When all is still I hear them calling to me.

Ancient Prime #3: (ditsy) Huh? What? Is this thing on? (taps microphone). Oh hey! Elita! There you are. What was I calling you for? (giggles) Oh never mind.

Ancient Prime #1: I'm Nostalgimus Prime. Remember me from your childhood? Bet you wish you hadn't played with my toy out in the sand box, now do you? Bet you wish you hadn't left me outside that time it rained for a full week. In decent shape I'm still worth over two hundred dollars on eBay. Mint in package? That's a cool eight hundred!

Shockwave: This is the mighty Shockwave. Not actually a Prime, or even a dead Prime, but the invincible guardian of Cybertron. I thought I'd try calling you here since you aren't answering your emails. Well, hey, me and the Rainmakers were going to have a little party and Acid Rain said 'hey, wouldn't it be great if we had some girls at our party?' so I thought I call and see if you and your team would join us. We've got a keg of jet fuel and some beryllium baloney. And we're going to set up the Cyber-volleyball net and have some 'us versus the drones' matches. Sound good?

Elita: (distraught) The voices never cease...

Optimus: This curse... the haunting... the angst. Bumblebee, I expect to die soon, and I shall join all my predecessors. (Firmly) But there will be no next Prime. I have called you here, Bumblebee, for a special mission. You shall help me break this curse. Bumblebee, when I die, you must take the Matrix and destroy it.

Bumblebee: What?! Destroy the Matrix!?

Optimus: Yeah, just chuck it into Mount Doom or something. Shouldn't be too hard.

Bumblebee: But the Matrix! How will we ever win the war against the Decepticons without it?

Optimus: C'mon. We obviously don't need it. I mean, no one even seemed to know that it existed until the first time I died. Not even Hasbro.

Bumblebee: I'm not so sure about destroying it though...

Narrator: Bumblebee's protests were cut short when suddenly Elita One rose to her feet and grasped at her chest.

Elita: Ahh! The voices! The Telltale Spark!

Ancient Prime #3: Elita One. Your time approaches, and not even some ret-conned plot convenience can prevent your death!

Shockwave: Hey, it's me Shockwave again. Just checking to see if you and the girls were still coming to our party. Did I mention that we've also got some cesium salami and a ton of oil cake? And hey, if you come we could play 'spin the energon cube' and 'robo-Twister.'

Ancient Prime #2: Rumble is blue! Frenzy is red! Your special power will leave you dead! 

Elita: That... was... horrible! (groans in disgust)

Chromia: Elita! Don't leave us!

Elita: My darkest hour is upon me! (dies)

Narrator: And with that, Elita's spark guttered and she passed into the great beyond. The grief of those she left behind was great.

Optimus: Oh my beloved awkward relative! (sobbing)

Ratchet: There, there, Optimus. Elita One is at peace now. She shall no longer know the suffering and angst thrust upon her by her fate in life.

Bumblebee: (doubtfully) Are you sure she's dead? She didn't turn grey.

Chromia: (surprised) Bumblebee's right. She's still pink!

Ratchet: Eh, it happens sometimes when the animators aren't paying attention. Happens often enough in G1. Now dry your tears and let's get her down to the crypt.

Bumblebee: Ratchet are you positive she's actually dead and didn't just faint?

Ratchet: Of course she's dead. Now quit acting like this is some story by Edgar Allen Poe and let's bury her already.

Narrator: And so the grieving Autobots carried Elita One down to the Crypt of the Primes beneath the house and placed her into a coffin and lay her among her predecessors. Much disturbed by the death of Elita One and the impending death of Optimus Prime, and the fact that he had been selected to destroy the Matrix, the disheartened mini-spy went for a drive around the swamps that encircled the House of the Primes. He was joined by Chromia simply so they could have a conversation and thus give her voice actress a few more lines. When they came to the Tomb of Lygeeatron, a desolate structure amidst the bleary swamps, they stopped to rest. 

Chromia: Bumblebee, I'm so upset about Elita. She and I were close. Not quite 'IDW Lost Light close', but close. And without her, I feel so lost.

Bumblebee: Have faith, Chromia. I'm sure this is all part of some greater plan.

Chromia: Greater plan? Like a plan in which Optimus wants you to destroy the Matrix when his time comes. That just sounds so wrong. The Matrix has been a beacon of hope for the Autobots for so long... except for the time we forgot about it between the Ark crashing on Earth and the first time Optimus died.

Bumblebee: I know, Chromia. And I don't feel right about destroying it. And I don't feel right about Elita's death either.

Chromia: I agree with you. Ratchet sure seemed to be in a hurry to bury her. Didn't that seem a bit strange to you? And speaking of strange, those clouds rolling in look rather ominous. I think we should head back to the house.

Narrator: The two Autobots returned to the House of the Primes just as the oncoming storm began to blow, and they found Ratchet and Optimus sitting in the study once again. Joining the two, they sat around talking quietly about the war when suddenly a noise, deep and distant, was heard.

Chromia: Did you hear that? It sounded like it came from... from below the house.

Narrator: The four sat in silence, waiting, tense, until the noise came again.

Ratchet: It's just the wind banging some shutters or something.

Chromia: It's definitely coming from beneath the house!

Bumblebee: That noise! It's not the wind! It's Elita One! 

Ratchet: Bumblebee, calm down. It's just the storm.

Bumblebee: (angry) It's not the storm! Ratchet, why were you so eager to bury Elita in the Crypt of the Primes? What are you hiding!?

Ratchet: (defensive) Bumblebee, I'm not hiding anything. I was just trying to move things along quickly as the author wanted to keep this script under ten pages. So you can just kiss my shiny metal aft!

Bumblebee: But Elita never turned grey! She's actually alive and she's trying to get out of the crypt!

Optimus: Yes Bumblebee. Calm down. Ratchet's right.

Ratchet: Look, when Ultra Magnus died, he didn't turn grey either.

Bumblebee: Wait, Ultra Magnus died? What? When?

Optimus: He bit it in a rather lackluster fight with Sixshot in the Headmasters series. Some episode ironically titled 'Ultra Magnus Dies!!' We ignore that series since it only aired in Japan and the English dub was atrocious.

Ratchet: Like we also ignore the travesty that is KISS Players.

Chromia: (mirthfully) And don't even get me started on Michael Bay.

Narrator: Bumblebee did calm down after being reminded that there were worse things than the first three seasons of the G1 series, at least until another strange noise was heard, this time on the stairs.

Bumblebee: You all heard that! Elita's alive! She's not really dead, and she's coming here!

Ratchet: Bumblebee calm down! You're acting like you've got a Kremzeek in your pants.

Narrator: (ominously) But the others could not deny it when heavy, slow footsteps moved from the stairs to the corridor, coming ever closer... ever nearer to where the four Autobots were waiting out the storm. And when the footsteps stopped at the door to the study they all turned to look.

Bumblebee: (panicked) It's Elita One! She's alive and come for revenge!

Chromia: No! It can't be!

Optimus: Nevermore! Elita! What have we done?!

Narrator: There came a great flash of lightning, and a tremendous peal of thunder right on its tail. The door to the study flew open, and the Autobots inside gasped in horror. There, covered in dust and splinters of metal stood...

Grimlock: Me Grimlock... all done cleaning out basement. What work you need done now Optimus Prime?

Bumblebee: Grimlock? What are you doing here?

Grimlock: Me Grimlock get hired for janitorial and light clerical work here at House of Primes. It pay slightly more than minimum wage and have good benefits, including dental. Me need good dental plan.

Bumblebee: (laughing) Well it's good to see you again, old friend.

Grimlock: Me Grimlock miss you too. Why, me not see you since me find you overcharged and offline behind Jiffy Lube.

Bumblebee: Yes... (coughs) About that...

Grimlock: Hey, why Elita One lying dead in crypt? 

Ratchet: She fell to the Curse of Primus earlier today.

Grimlock: Curse of Primus? What that?

Bumblebee: It's some wibbly wobbly primey wimey stuff.

Optimus: (suddenly panicked and gasping) The curse! I'm dying!

Ancient Prime #1: Optimus, your time has come. Again. And we're certain it's final... maybe.

Ancient Prime #2: You shall join us in the legacy of the Primes. And hey, Optimus? I just wanted to let you know that Elita One's here with us in the Matix. And boy does that girl know how to party. Shockwave is totally losing out.

Shockwave: (indignant) She can still come to my party as well. And hey, Elita, bring some friends.

Ancient Prime #2: Shockwave, your party's going to be deader than we are.

Rodimus Prime: Rodimus again. Hey, I hope you don't mind but Elita and I have started dating. Let's just say I'm wishing we'd hooked up back when we were still alive. Jeeze, Optimus. How could you let a girl like her go?

Optimus: (sobbing at the news) Ohhhhh. It's the Pit—and the pendulum—for me!

Ratchet: His time has come! The curse cannot be stopped.

Bumblebee: (desperately) Is there nothing you can do, Ratchet?

Grimlock: Wait! Optimus! Don't die! You not sign last paycheck! Me Grimlock need last two weeks pay!

Optimus: The end is near... the ancient Primes seem so close now!

Ancient Prime #2: Optimus, join us in the Matrix.

Ancient Prime #1: Your end is indeed near, Trukk not Munky.

Ancient Prime #3: Do not hang up the Matrix. This is an important message about your Google business listing. We have tried multiple times to contact you. If your Google business listing is not claimed and verified it could cause customers to be unable to find you. Press ONE now to check the status of your Google business listing.

Elita: Optimus? You know, maybe it's best if you don't die. I mean Rodimus and I have a pretty good thing going on now and it just might get a bit awkward if you're here in the Matrix too.

Optimus: (sobbing) Elita! No!

Narator: With that Optimus fell to the floor and opened his chest, and with much pain and trepidation he pulled the Matrix from its housing.

Optimus: (dying and somber) Bumblebee, take the Matrix and destroy it. This is my last command.

Narrator: And as they watched, Optimus Prime slipped away and was no more. Again. Then suddenly there came a great rumbling, and the house shook to its foundations.

Ratchet: The House of the Primes! It's crumbling!

Chromia: We have to get out of here now!

Narrator: And so the remaining Autobots fled—Bumblebee clutching the Matrix—to a nearby rise, from where they watched the great house break apart and sink into the swamp.

Grimlock: (miffed) Great. Now me Grimlock never get paid.

Bumblebee: (mournful) Oh Optimus! Oh Elita!

Narrator: And with that Bumblebee looked down at the Matrix in his hands.

Bumblebee: We must destroy the Matrix, and no one shall suffer as they did ever again!

Grimlock: No! Me Grimlock take that in lieu of unpaid wages.

Narrator: Then before anyone could stop him, Grimlock seized the Matrix from Bumblebee. And all at once something terrible and miraculous began to happen. Light burst forth from the sacred object and a rockin' 80's anthem began to play. Grimlock's chest opened and he placed the Matrix of Leadership into himself, transforming him into something more than a simple Dinobot.

Optimus: Arise, Tyrannosaurus Prime.

Grimlock: Me now Tyrannosaurus Prime, greatest of all Primes! Me now lead battles to destroy evil forces of Decepticons!

Ratchet: This can't be right!

Chromia: Tyrannosaurus Prime? At least it's a better name than 'Rodimus'...

Bumblebee: Now what!? I was supposed to destroy the Matrix so the curse couldn't continue. And now the Curse of Primus will take hold of Grimlock.

Grimlock: (laughing) Not to worry. Me Grimlock too strong for curse. Wait... what that? Me hear disembodied voices. No! Curse of Primus! It come for me Tyrannosaurus Prime!

Ratchet: Grimlock! What's happening?

Grimlock: Me feel angst! Me hear ancient Primes speaking to me!

Ancient Prime #1: Tyrannosaurus Prime. Welcome to the House of Primus. Hopefully your new toy is more than just a repaint with a new weapon.

Ancient Prime #3: (sassy) Hey, at least you got a decent name. I was known as 'Robolicious Prime'.

Elita: Tyrannosaurus Prime, remember your duty to the Autobot cause. You must... (giggles) hey! Rodimus! Hands off while I'm trying to be all sagely here.

Rodimus Prime: Let me show you why they used to call me 'Hot Rod,' baby.

Shockwave: (disgusted) Oh please...

Optimus: (sighing) Good luck, Grimlock. Maybe you'll deal with this better than I ever did. (miffed) Rodimus! Quit doing that to my sister, er, girlfriend, er, ex-girlfriend. Whatever...

Narrator: And so the Curse of Primus continued despite the best efforts of Bumblebee. The luckless Autobot scout returned to Iacon, bemoaning his failure to carry out Optimus Prime's last command. Elsewhere, Shockwave's party was a total drag. Rodimus Prime and Elita One were married and moved into an up and coming neighborhood in the Matrix. Ratchet became increasingly more crotchety as the war went on and eventually died of a twisted sense of humor. Chromia found her calling as a spokes-model for Turtle Wax. And Tyrannosaurus Prime went on to lead the Autobots through another million years of war. Unpaid of course. The End.`

-o-o-o-o-o-

This script is the original work of Elizabeth Potter, with my apologies to Mr. Edgar Allen Poe.

Characters and related concepts are property of Hasbro, Inc.

No mechanimals were hurt in the writing of this script.

Miratete3000@gmail.com

-o-o-o-o-o-


End file.
